John Nicol: My experience as a prisoner of war

John Nicol was 27 when he was shot down during the first Gulf War in Iraq in 1991. As a Tornado navigator with the RAF at the time, he was subsequently captured, tortured, and paraded on TV. In this guest blog on the 30th anniversary of the end of the conflict, John shares what it was like being a prisoner of war – and what it was like returning to Iraq nine years later.

When I was in captivity, there were times I thought my life might have ended. The worst thing wasn't the torture itself, but the fear of the unknown. I dreaded doors clanking and footsteps because I'd be thinking, 'What are they going to do now?'. I can remember sitting in a chair, blindfolded and I knew there were people around me. I could feel the malevolence. But in a way, it was a relief when they started hitting me. Despite the pain, at least I knew what was happening.

For seven weeks, I was a prisoner of war – 11 days of which were spent at the Military Police Headquarters in Baghdad. The first time I was there I was terrified for my life. I had been blindfolded, handcuffed and interrogated for three days and then in the middle of the night I was kicked awake and dragged out of my cell. When they took the blindfold off, I was standing in front of a group of Iraqi military policemen. Unlike the previous guards they didn't hurt me – but I was scared nonetheless.

I returned to that same location in 2000 and, once again, a group of Iraqi military policemen stood in front of me. This time round, however, they were smiling and shaking hands and offering me tea. It couldn't be more different. I couldn't believe how welcoming they were.

As a prisoner of war, I was once summoned by the guards to play football with them. They came into my cell and asked me if I could play. When I said yes, we came out into the courtyard and they put me in goal. They kept shouting 'Gascoigne' and 'Kevin Keegan' at me, and I'd nod and say 'yes, they are good footballers'. It was bizarre.

When I recalled this story to the guards in 2000, a football was found and we had an impromptu game. It was an emotional scene – dozens of other officers packed into the courtyard, clapping and cheering us on. When the game ended, the Iraqi players hugged and kissed me on both cheeks, asking to have their photograph taken with me.

Of course, returning to Iraq took me back to some of my darkest days. In many ways I did not want to remember, but I was glad I was able to return to this prison in particular because it was here that I was treated with respect as a prisoner of war. I don't think I could have faced revisiting the bad places. I've have never watched the footage of me from Iraqi television because for me they signify my biggest failure. I was forced to go on television and denounce what I had done.

It's not that I haven't come to terms with the past. But I wanted to come back and meet the Iraqi people as real people, not just as the enemy. Things are very different when there is a war on. I first went there to bomb the Iraqis. When you consider that, it's amazing how friendly they were the second time around.

It just makes you realise that war affects everybody in the same way, whether they are in the military or civilians. Deep down, we are all the same – human beings. Returning to Iraq reassured me of that.